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Columnists - World Domination for Dummies
World Domination for Dummies, by Philip “Raven” Rossetti
Warning: Evil Planet may not be held responsible for any court subpoenas, jail time, or death sentences that may occur to the reader as a direct or indirect result of the influence of this guide. Enjoy!
Step 1. Location, location, location!
It is now time to start your Evil Empire. Firstly, you’ll need a place to setup shop. There are three basic Evil Locations in the world, which are: Outer Space, Island of Indeterminate Location, or Underwater. Many Evil Lair packages can be found from such agencies as Century 22 Lair Improvement, and Evil Lairs For You! Most packages will include 2-3 working minions, and a henchman of some sort. Deciding your Evil Location is important, as each location has different bonuses. Outer Space makes it hard for those pesky agents to reach you, but makes it more expensive. Island of Indeterminate Location is undoubtedly the cheapest, but least protected. Underwater is a good balance of safety and price, but may be more difficult to carry out your Evil Plans from twenty fathoms deep. Choose wisely based on how much gold you have and how many agencies are watching you.
Step 2. Building your army.
Thousands of anonymous minions are the corner stone of any successful Evil Organization. Sadly there are no successful Evil Organizations to use as examples, but surely you will be a wondrous success. Anonymous minions must have 3 things: No family, no friends, and a brightly colored jumpsuit. The jumpsuit is a must, and cannot be debated. Your minions must be the epitome of style.
Henchmen can be considered to be your elite minions. The henchmen usually require a high salary, but you’ll only need two or three. The henchmen are essential for dealing with those pesky Super Agents.
Step 3. Notoriety.
Being notorious will help you gain the support of minions and henchmen, as well as the rare endorsement from Evil Corporations like Macrosoft, and EBM. To become notorious you should carry out moderate evil deeds, but not to the point that you will subject yourself to government intrigue. Stealing world land marks with a shrink ray is always good, though some prefer destroying them. Stealing them will make you more notorious, but destroying them will prevent enemy agencies from trying to steal their landmarks back. When you are notorious enough you may begin carrying out your plans for World Domination. It is critical that you are notorious enough that the world will know it was you. If they considered you harmless than you would not get credit for your efforts.
Step 4. Evil Research.
Hiring Evil Scientists and Evil Researchers will help you develop new technology to combat the world’s coalition of governments. Your Evil Research Program (or ERP) will enable you to create new Evil Weaponry, and even some new computer technology (16 colors, 32MB RAM, 200MHz processor, wouldn’t that be sweet?). Your ERP will also help you improve the functions of your base and efficiency.
Step 5. How to deal with pesky agents.
You may often find yourself under investigation and scrutiny from governments around the world. There are a few ways to deal with agents. You can bribe governments, bribe the agents, or capture and torture agents to demonstrate your seriousness. Bribing agents and governments is most effective, but they won’t always take the bait. Some people have a strange phenomenon of emotion known as “morals”, which is why torturing agents always works. Though keep in mind that torturing an agent can give you more heat, but will also increase your notoriety and may help you divulge valuable information.
There are a number of torture devices. Piranhas are most popular with Evil Genii, but may pose a danger to any minions foolish enough to go for a swim in the pool. Electrocution is a cliché, but always works. Dismemberment was abandoned a long time ago, primarily because of the messy cleanup. Lasers are the future. Industrial lasers are very powerful and will definitely send a bright message across. There are all forms of devious interrogation and torture methods, but most of the fun is in discovering them yourself.
Step 6. Holding the world hostage.
Before you can take over the world, you must hold it hostage. There are two methods for this, direct destruction and indirect destruction. Direct destruction is when you directly destroy something, usually with a nuclear weapon, or some other form of destructive power. Indirect destruction is when you cause a chain reaction from one act of infamy. Crashing the stock market will send a country into a great depression and will lead to poverty. Should this happen to a powerful nation such as Britain or America, countries that are dependant on others would crumble. Though be sure that should you actually have to carry out this plan that you will still be in a position of power afterwards. There’s no point in having a single bullet in a gun and then shooting it off just to show that you mean business. After you take the world hostage the world will be at your mercy, and world domination will have been achieved.
Step 7. Post domination rule.
After you dominate the world you’ll have to be very careful of uprisings, revolting nations, revolting henchmen and minions. You may very well live a life running from your own empire, but hey, you’ll be rich so it won’t matter.
Afterword
Raven here, just wanted to say thanks for reading this little piece and I hope you read my future features. Oh yeah, and this isn’t a guide on how to play Evil Genius it’s just a spoof on the “For Dummies” books.
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